My Hero

After Al’s hemorrhagic stroke on July 9, 2023, we didn’t know how long he would survive. He was a quadriplegic on a ventilator, and he couldn’t speak. It was truly awful. I knew I was witnessing the beginning of his death. (The photo I've included is four months after his stroke.)

One night, a few days after the stroke, I began to panic (even more so than I was already). I wasn’t ready for Al to die. Who is ever prepared for the death of their spouse? I called my friend Nick. He was one of Joy’s best friends, and we formed a life-giving friendship in our shared grief. It helped that he was an EMT and was skilled at de-escalation because I was Freaking. Out.

I told Nick that I wanted to make sure Al knew everything I ever wanted him to know. He suggested I write a letter and read it to Al at the hospital.

I asked, “What if he dies before I get there?” 

And Nick answered, “Then you’ll sit with him and tell him everything anyway.”

Thankfully, I was able to tell Al everything while he was still earthside. And I'm grateful that I got another 14 months with him to show him how much I loved him.

This is what I wrote down and told Al at the hospital. Please be advised that there is some profanity. I chose not to edit those words because when I wrote the letter and read it to Al, the words helped to convey how much I meant them. Being an author, I may have come up with something more eloquent if given enough time. But this was my raw, from-the-heart letter to Al. 

“I’m going to stop pretending everything is okay. I want to encourage you and tell you everything is going to be fine. But I think we both know it’s not going to be fine. You are probably going to die. 

Yesterday, before I left, you looked at me in a way you hadn’t since the stroke. I knew you were trying to tell me something. I understand now that you wanted to talk about your death, and you didn’t want me to keep saying everything was going to be okay.

I understand that you can’t say any of this back to me, but that’s okay. I absolutely, completely understand how much you love me because you’ve said it and shown it throughout all these years. 

Al, you are my fucking hero. I never thought someone could love me the way you love me. And that sounds so corny, but it’s absolutely true. I never thought love would be so unconditional and selfless but there were times I couldn’t understand why I didn’t drive you away because I was an absolute bitch to you. Sometimes, I made you feel like you were “less than.” I don’t understand why the hell I would treat you like that because I have always been crazy about you, just the way you courted me and, for lack of a better word, won me over. 

God, I fell head over heels for you. It’s very corny, but I honestly knew what love really was for the first time in my life.

And we got married, and we had great sex. We had wonderful little children. We raised them all together as an unstoppable team. And then everything took a turn. Our life as we knew it was torn from us in 2011. And to be honest, there were times I felt like I just hated you so much. But I knew that wasn’t rational because there was nothing you could’ve done to change what happened to you. But I was just angry, and I took it out on you. 

But what I’ve seen is that you are the most persistent person I’ve ever known! 

From pursuing me for six years, and then getting back up after a scooter accident, six strokes, and countless falls. YOU ARE MY FUCKING HERO! 

You just can’t be kept down. You astound me. 

I don’t know what else to say except that you’re my fucking hero!

And I have NO regrets. Don’t ever think that I’m sorry I married you. I would do every single minute all over again in a heartbeat. Don’t say you’re sorry you put me through this. I accepted and I committed myself to you at the altar and I meant every fucking word: in good times and in bad, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, til death do us part. 

I am deeply and truly sorry for all the things I did and said that were just mean or bitchy. I wish with everything I have that I could go back and make a different choice and treat you with the love that you deserve. But I can’t do that, so I’m telling you now how sorry I am that I didn’t treat you better.

But you’re my fucking hero.

And now I have finished telling you everything I ever wanted to tell you. 

Until I think of a million more things. 

I love you.” 

Happy Birthday in heaven, my love.

This photo was taken in the nursing home, four months after the stroke.