A Pile of Goo

It’s Easter, and for the first time in my life, I don’t feel like celebrating.

I would ask you to please just read this post without judgment and without offering a solution. I just want to be seen and heard. 

I’ve been surviving grief mostly on my own, but I need someone to check on me. Thank you to those who have called or texted on occasion. I would love to hear from you more.

Maybe it’s just me, but it’s extremely hard to need someone - anyone - and to not know who to call. I know what I need but don’t know how people will respond. I don’t mean this as a judgment towards people, because I know many of my friends wouldn’t say these things. But since I’ve heard these or similar “encouragements” in the past, it’s possible for people to say them again.

I would prefer not  to hear any of the following:

• Snap out of it

• Stop feeling sorry for yourself

• Al and Joy would want you to be happy

• God has a plan

• God wants you to be happy

• Be grateful

I’m going to be completely honest about my current state of mind. And I’d like to ask that you simply read and try to understand me. I don’t want anyone to try to fix it, and I’m not asking for pity. Although it’s humbling (humiliating, even), I'm sharing this because I know I’m not the only one. I feel incredibly alone, and I hope to let others know it’s okay to feel this way, too.

I feel alone and abandoned.

This is a drastic departure from the life I knew for almost 28 years with Al. Al was my other half, and he was my loving support throughout that time. Even when he was completely paralyzed, he still found the words to tell me how much he loved me.

It seems obvious to say it out loud, but it’s difficult to adjust to a life in which I have no built-in partner. I know a lot of people face this state in life - the widowed, divorced, or never-married. I’m not saying I’m unique, I’m just saying this is hard for me right now. 

Who am I?

What’s my purpose here? 

Where does God want me to use my talents?

How can I support myself? 

In addition to these questions, I’ve been questioning the details of my faith. I believe in God, and I cry out to Jesus regularly, especially when the pain of grief becomes more than I can bear. But I’m trying to strip my faith down to what is essential. As someone with ADD, it’s challenging to try to read, understand, and adhere to thick books about doctrine, dogma, and other church or community teachings. 

And sometimes, in the midst of deep pain, Scriptures and devotionals don't help.

I’ve spent most of my life feeling like I’m a failure. I'm working on this in therapy, but somehow, I've been conditioned to believe that I'm always doing something wrong, or that there's something wrong with me. Add to that the sometimes impossible expectations of Christian groups and churches, and it’s too much for me. Trying (and failing) to adopt all the teachings I’ve ever heard is so completely overwhelming to me that I need to simplify for my own mental and spiritual health. 

I want to build a life by recognizing who I am and discerning God’s direction for the rest of my life. 

But, still. . . 

Everything I ever knew is gone. 

The life I knew has been utterly destroyed.

Like a tornado ripped through and left me with a flat piece of land.

Another analogy I like to use is that I’m a pile of goo. The old me (before Joy and Al died) is gone. She was pulverized, ground into dust, and now I’m trying to rebuild my life with the limited tools I have. I’m hoping that one day, I will eventually grow from that pile of goo into a functioning human being. 

I need a few people in my life who will be there for me without trying to fix it or make it better. I want someone who will just acknowledge the shit-show I’ve lived through and be there to comfort me. I need hugs, friends who will watch sappy rom-coms with me, or someone to hold me while I cry. Maybe smoke a joint with me on the back porch. Or just hang out and read in the shade. 

I’ve given myself permission to cry for Al for at least one year. He deserves that much.

But crying alone every day gets old.

It’s kind of a pop-psychology term, but I want to know that people see me. Often, I feel unseen, unheard, or misunderstood.  

What I need most is for someone to be there when I’m crying uncontrollably, and it feels like I might go crazy because of the pain. It's hard to know who is willing and able to handle me in that state.

I’ve been working towards finding a job by taking some classes and working towards better health by changing my eating habits and exercising. 

But it still feels like there's a mountain in front of me and I'm an amateur climber who can barely scale the climbing wall on a kids' playground.

I’m running out of hope. 

I’ve been suffering for 14 years, and I see no end in sight. 

I have no more energy to put into hope. 

I don’t want Scriptures. I don’t want platitudes. I just want someone to listen and not judge.

As a Christian, it always feels like I “should” be doing better. I “should” be getting comfort from the Bible and prayer.

But I’m not.

I’m burned out from being burned out.

My life is stressful, and I feel like I have no control over any of it. 

I have been studying.

I’ve been taking my meds and working on getting exercise and sunshine. 

I’ve been forcing myself to get out of the house.

But there are still days when I can’t seem to leave my room, take a shower, or even get dressed. 

And I’m okay with that because, having lived through depression repeatedly throughout my adult life, I know it will eventually get better. And I also understand how depression works in terms of the chemical imbalance in the brain. I’ve mentioned in earlier posts that I’ve been in survival mode, which means a chronic state of stress, and stress a significant factor leading to depression. I get it. I’m working with my therapist on trying to reduce the stress in my life. But more importantly, to change my response to stress so my body stops the overproduction of cortisol. All of that is to say that, even though I understand the physiological side of things. I still feel like shit because grief is woven through every single aspect of my life. 

It’s hard to know how to let go of stress when I’m still facing the monumental task of building a new life. How will I support myself? Will I ever get past the chronic illness that keeps me down? Where will I live? (The big picture, not necessarily the house.) 

And even more pressing: How will I afford my prescriptions without Medicaid? Several of my medications have severe withdrawal effects, and I’m coming to the end of my supply since my Medicaid accidentally got cut over a month ago, and despite daily emails, phone calls, and even visits to the DHS office, they can’t tell me what the holdup is. Not to mention that my food stamps case was also closed accidentally in March, and they still haven’t reinstated it. They admitted that both closures were mistakes, and a month (two months on the food stamps) later, they still can’t tell me why it’s not being reinstated. 

I don’t have a Social Security disabled widow determination yet, and that’s weighing heavily on me because if that doesn’t come through, I have to find a full-time job that has benefits. I’m not planning on living off the system, but it’s hard for my brain to heal with chronic stress and anxiety churning in the background. I'm not ready to start full-time work as my brain still has a lot of healing to do.

I won't let my blog become political, but I can’t let go of my fear for my country, which is quickly becoming a fascist state. Many people don't know what's happening or are pretending that none of it is happening. I've tried to stay out of politics in the past, but I can't stay quiet when human rights are being trampled.

One final note: I’m unsure what to do with this blog. The annual fee is due, and I don’t want to change platforms, but I might have to. It’s not impossible, but it’s stressful to think about creating another blog from scratch and creating a new mailing list, etc. Stay tuned and if you want to make sure you're updated, please leave a comment, email or FB message.

If you’re worried about me, let me assure you that I am, too. But I’ve managed to survive this far. 

While I awoke on Easter with tears in my eyes, it turned out to be a happy day. I enjoyed the sunshine, gorged myself on monkey bread, took advantage of 4/20, and most importantly, I spent some time with my kids. I still have a tiny seed of hope inside of me, but at this point, it's impossible to imagine my future.

At the beginning of the post, I mentioned several things that I don't find helpful. But, as I mentioned, I'd love some check-ins, and I would appreciate your prayers for me as I continue to slog through the unfamiliar landscape of my life.