Moving Forward

In April, I began a downward spiral into a major depressive episode, and in May, after Al's birthday, I checked into a psychiatric hospital.

Chronic pain, fatigue, depression, anxiety, loneliness, and grief finally broke me.

Well, it might be more accurate to say that these things pulverized me into a fine dust that has been blown away on the wind. Since then, I've been grasping at the remaining pieces of myself to try to rebuild a new version of me.

Just after Easter, I wrote a post and asked for emotional support, and I thank those of you who reached out. But it wasn't long before I realized long before I realized I needed more help.

Professional help.

I will be posting more about my experience in partial hospitalization psychiatric treatment, but for now, I'm making an earnest request.

Due to the strenuous nature of the treatment program, I had a pretty significant flare of rheumatoid arthritis, which means that for the past few weeks, I've been confined to bed many days with flu-like symptoms in addition to increased pain, stiffness, numbness, and fatigue.

I'm making strides forward, but when I get hit with a decline in my physical health, it sets me back. While I had hoped to complete some of my online courses by now, I still have over a month's worth of work to do before I can earn certificates that will qualify me for various types of work. I'm doing everything I can to find work that doesn't compromise my health, physical, mental, or emotional.

Financial stress is and has been my number one source of anxiety for a long time, especially now that every last bit of my meager savings is gone. I learned some excellent coping skills in my treatment program, but the primary stressor remains until I am able to support myself. And to top it off, my attorney's office informed me that it will still take 4-6 more months before I have a determination on my SSA Disabled Widow's Benefit.

Even so, I'm growing in optimism that I will gradually build a new life and be able to support myself one day soon. It's a good feeling to begin trusting myself and what God has given me. But it's also terrifying, as you can imagine.

For now, the one consistent thing I can offer the world is my writing. I've finally established a regular system for writing and posting, and I hope you'll stick with me.

Here are some ways you can help:

1. Please share my posts with friends and family who may find them interesting or helpful.

2. If you're on other social media sites, could you please share my work there?

3. Would you consider supporting my writing career, especially if I write something that resonates with you or your loved ones? I'm offering a service, albeit intangible, and I hope I can make it a career. Donating to my blog is one way you can make an investment in my career and support my message.

4. Please pray for me, that I can recognize and follow God's lead for my life, whatever that may be.

   
   

I'd like to outline my vision for this blog going forward:

• I plan to write a raw, honest account of my life and its challenges. This will be my story, from my viewpoint and experience. I hope to write in a genuine, nonjudgmental manner, one that others can hopefully understand.

• My goal is not to present myself as an expert in anything but to write in a real, heartfelt way because I believe there are many others out there who are struggling under the weight of their lives and need to know they're not alone.

• As I write my story, I want it to be clear that I'm sharing my own experiences, and I don't expect others to do things my way. I only hope to encourage people to find their own way by discovering their unique values and beliefs.

• I hope to combat the stigma of mental health by letting others see inside my life and struggles.

• I hope to address the judgment and isolation that often come with grief, autoimmune disease, disability, needing public assistance, and other challenges.

• I will be honest about my relationship with God and how I've experienced Him throughout my life. Because I'm still learning, growing, and evolving, my faith will also grow and change. But I have been angry, disillusioned, and hurt, and there were many times I didn't (and still don't) understand Him. That doesn't mean I've rejected God. I'm working through all of these very real feelings, and He is patiently guiding me.

• I ask that my readers agree to let me experience and share what I'm experiencing without judgment. I'd love to hear thoughts and questions that lead to respectful conversation, but I'd rather not engage in hurtful or judgmental comments.

• Ultimately, I want to provide hope for those who are experiencing similar challenges to what I've faced, both by sitting with them in the darkness and by inviting them on my own quest to find hope, health, and healing.

Thank you! Love, Jen

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